I’ll be fine

I saw him today, arms happily wrapped around her
Grinning from ear to ear
They seem to always have something to talk about
They didn’t even notice when I passed.
But don’t worry I’ll be fine

She updated her bbm status today
‘Happy birthday to a very special person’
the one that gets me, you’re my shining light’
Has she forgotten I’m a contact on that BBM?
Does she remember we broke up 66 days ago?
How can she so easily move on.
I am a man and a man never breaks down
I know i’ll be fine.

My husband would have been forty years old today.
I laugh as I remember something he said a while back.
He said when he clocks 40, he will get a tattoo of my face carved on his chest
where his heart is because that’s where I’ll always be
No fortieth celebration, no tattoo, no heart that beats.
I’ll just drown myself in liquor till I sleep, maybe I’ll dream of him.
Go to bed with the one you love today, hold them close
Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine

I’ll smile through the pain
The disappointment and heartbreak
I am a master of my emotions
I’ll dictate what I feel
And when to feel it.

I’ll hug both of them when next we see so they will know I’m happy for them.

I’d tell her congrats, send my warm regards to your ‘lighter’
So she will know i wish her well

I’ll call the Pastor and have thanksgiving in church on sunday
For keeping the family since the demise of my husband

No one needs to know I drink myself to sleep every night
No one needs to know I cry every night when memories fall like rain

No one needs to know when I see them together, I’m 100 percent jealous
No one needs to know about the head aches,
The fiery overwhelming loneliness
That cuddles me so tight that it almost chokes

No one needs to know I long for things to be different.
But don’t worry, I don’t know when or how
But I know I’LL BE FINE.

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It’s A Wrap (2017)

I’m counting my blessings

I just can’t keep it to myself

Just when I thought that He had done too much

Oh oh oh Jesus did it again.

What a year it has been. What a journey it has been. I won’t even lie, its been an AWESOME year. It feels good to smile, it feels good to be genuinely happy.

Following my sister’s cue, I’ll summarize my highlights of the year and lessons learnt in 17 points.

1. This year I experienced God like never before. Nathaniel Bassey said in the song Onise iyanu, ‘I have tasted of your power‘ well that line was so real to me this year. Indeed I tasted and saw that the Lord is good. I called and He answered, I asked and I received. Even when it felt like I was going to be overwhelmed , He showed up. See ehn this Jesus is sweet, follow Him o, forget all these other things we chase after!! He is the real deal!!

I am not saying it will be a smooth journey all the way, but I can assure you that even when the ride gets bumpy, it will still be the best ride of your life. You don’t want to go on this journey of life all by yourself,

2. This year I learnt about knowing the will of God and aligning myself with it. So many times we just want things, we have never bothered to ask ‘God what are you saying, what do you want me to do? We just go about having plans, strategizing and dreaming. I learnt that the first thing we should do about any dream or plan we have is to ask God, ‘what sayeth thou about this situation’? what do I do and how do you want me to go about it. This process of asking what is God’s will, that is where the Labour is. We have to sacrifice time to pray, fast and study the bible. Also we have to be in tune with the spirit, confessing and meditating scriptures , worshiping and rejoicing until we get clarity.

Even after we know or think we know what God is saying, there is the place of stepping out boldly in Faith and there is a place of waiting, and these two things require continuous fellowship with God.

See God is not the man we run to when we need something we can’t do for ourselves, God is the one we need and go to first before anything. Our whole existence depends on Him, and much more than that he strives to be our friend , to be close to us. God needs us as much as we need Him.

I don’t get the whole answer all the time, it’s still a learning process for me, sometimes I’m impatient, sometimes I’m stubborn, most times I still look out for human confirmation.

In all this I have had to learn about the person of the Holy spirit and how to hear him. The conclusion of the matter is it works.

3. I was called to the largest bar in Africa

This was the highlight of my year. My people to be congratulated is sweet o Kai!!! To pray, work hard and see your prayers answered is the most satisfying thing in life. In my 2016 wrap I declared 2017 as the year of wig and gown, and it came to pass.

My journey to becoming a lawyer is a long one, and the testimony is interesting because I went through so much to get here. My story is  filled with so much tears and disappointments but the conclusion of the matter is I made it.

So in the year of Our Lord 2017, the year of New things, the year of pleasant surprises and the year of my case is different, I passed the bar exam and was called to the Nigerian bar, 10 years after I finished secondary school. See ehn, giving up was never an option I considered, it didn’t even cross my mind, that was why I despised every shame, like Jesus Christ and was focused on one thing, and eventually it happened.

3. In 2017,  I got tired of ‘churching’ you know the act of going to church every Sunday and doing the same thing you do every Sunday. I just wasn’t ‘having’ it anymore. Church became a routine and I was fed up, there was no joy. I also became tired of the place I called home. I just wanted to live somewhere else.

So I joined the online church gang. One time I listened to three different pastors all in a day. 😂  It was fun, variety like they say is the spice of life. I’m gradually finding my footing though. At least now I know what was missing and I know how to fix it.

4.  I learnt not to look down on people.

5. I learnt to discipline myself and control the way I crush and catch feelings, or at least tune down the intensity and wait, in waiting a lot is revealed.

6. I  learnt that sometimes you can pray about a relationship and God will give a go ahead, it still takes two people who want the relationship to work out for it to work out. Don’t say because God said yes and then the guy or lady is not making any effort, and you stay there. Don’t also push aside your valid feelings or so should I say innermost convictions about a person no matter the pressure.

7.  I also learnt that you haven’t lost anything if you love someone and then things don’t work out or the person messes up and you part ways. Love is never a wasted effort, at least you learnt how to love someone other than yourself.

8.I learnt that growth has its pains. Growth is never comfortable. And the way to maintain growth is to be consistent. Keep practising the new things you have learnt before you forget them.

9. I’m grateful to God for my family. My siblings are the best!!! And for the additions we had, two nieces (twin girls)

10. I learnt that loneliness does not kill. 😂😂. It can make you depressed though, so you have to find a way to at least enjoy yourself.

I realize I don’t even have up to 17 points. Oh well like they say, less is more.

2018 will be lit!! Things will be birthed and we will feed them and watch them grow!!! 2018 is the year of Achieving, DOING and Stepping out boldly in Faith, we have prepared for too long, it’s time to MOVE!! GBERAA!! It’s time to give back, it’s time to do what God has called us to do, without holding back even if no one acknowledges us.

It is the year of taking every opportunity, that comes our way, take that course, get that certification, learn that skill, achieve the fit fam goals, the make up goals, we keep trying and trying till we get it (those eyebrows must be on a consistent fleek, in fact I’ll even be able to fleek it for others!! Hahaha

It is the year of following God all the way, no detour, ‘no I’m sorry Lord please bring me back’ obedience all the way, not by power or might though, God is at work in me but to Will and to do of His good pleasures. It is also the year of bringing every friend, family, lovers and fans lol along to know this God for themselves. We can’t be enjoying God alone.

It is the year of strategic positioning and deployment to meet the bae. Either the bae jams me or I jam him, there must be a jamming.😂😂😂.

However we know better though, we will not date anyhow or marry anyhow. We will not just try and see it how it goes, we work with a knowing that God gives His children His best, and we believe we shall receive that best.

In 2018, be determined, trust God more, He is the only one that has all things figured out. I pray you have the 2018 you desire.Amen.

Its A Wrap-2016

You made a way, when our backs were against the wall, and it looked as if it was over.
You made a way, and we’re standing here only because You made a way.

Wow!!! I cannot believe it’s the last day in the year 2016 and I made it!! We made it!!!

Onise iyanu, You’re the God of awesome wonders, I have tasted of your power!!! Onise iyanu, you have shown me so much mercy, much more than I deserve.

All I have in my heart is GRATITUDE. I want to be sad but I can’t, God has been so good.

2016 was a tough year!! I started the year unhappy. My friends had proceeded to the Nigerian  Law School and they were all occupied, I felt like my life was on a standstill and God couldn’t be bothered about it,like He had other things in the world to think about and I was inconsequential. I blamed UNILAG, blamed Faculty of law, blamed myself, until I ran out of who and what to blame. Reality starred me in the face and  I decided to ‘woman up’ and take things as it is, perhaps this was my ‘destiny’.

However sometime around the end of the first quarter, I don’t know how but my perspective changed, I began to accept that sometimes some things happen and even though it seems like God didn’t do anything about it, His fingerprints is all over it.  The whole ‘it’s my destiny thing’ was a lie from the enemy, because the bible says ‘His thoughts towards me are thoughts of GOOD and not of EVIL’. God has never lost control to the devil at any time, so yes I was delayed due to negligence on my part and that of the school but the event that looked like the worst thing to ever happen to me, God had intentions to bring beauty out of it.

All things are working for my good, its intentional, never failing.

Does it mean God is a partial God? No. I thank God for every obstacle I have faced, He could have turned it around but He decided that He will use it to turn me around. His plan is so great, that little detour as painful as it is cannot halt His great plan.

In 2016, I suffered loss, unexpected loss that shook me and my family. My friend also suffered same. I wouldn’t want to go into much details about that but all I can say is ‘God fills every void, and He has been doing that in ways we couldn’t have  imagined. I think about everything and I smile and thank God that this person was a part of my life and his impact was felt and I appreciate God for that.

In 2016 love didn’t come my way. 🙈🙈. I searched all over I couldn’t find it (as if it was a lost treasure). I tried to push some people to love me by force, I ended up hurting myself. I moved from desperate, to complacent, to anxious, and now  I have gotten to the point that I’m not worried anymore, I think about it but I’m not worried.  it’s a FAITH walk, I don’t know how its gonna happen but I know it will.

All I pray is for strength to hold on to God and His word and His plans for me, when people come with their ‘discouraging, hurting words’ disguised as honest questions and prayer points. I know they have good intentions, but people need to chill with the  ‘husband prayer’. It mostly just mounts undue pressure on someone.  Pray instead that I achieve all the dreams God has put inside of me, that I make impact and affect lives, pray for money yes!!. 😀🙈

Towards the end of 2016 I resumed in Nigerian law School, Yenagoa, Bayelsa. Although I resumed with so much fear and worry, it’s been beautiful so far so good, made new friends, learning new things, and yes it feels good to live outside Lagos for once. Most importantly, I am so confident I am where God wants me to be.

Hello 2017!!! My year of new things!!! My year of wig and gown, my year of supernatural influence and international presence, my year of productivity and outstanding results!! I am so excited. I don’t know how but I know great things will happen for me and my family in 2017.

I intend to seek God more, I want all of Him until I can boldly say JESUS IS ENOUGH, I am not holding on to any friend or thing more than I am holding on to God and His word. I pray that I will grow in faith, I pray that my first book will finally graduate from dry bones to fleshy meat.

I know challenges will come, I know trials will come, but none of them is big enough to move me out of God, I am rooted in Him, I am hidden in Him, there is no self-sustaining  Rachel Ifeyinwa Omome Azuka, I am only sufficient through His sufficiency. I hold on to Him, I depend on Him, I rest. Shikena

In 2017, I will guard my heart with all diligence, I will build up walls not with people or things or negativity, but with values and standards, I will be flexible yet firm, too much is at stake for me to just live anyhow. And I am doing all these not by my power, or strength but through Him that strengthens me.

See you in 2017. I don’t know if I’ll be blogging much until bar finals are over. However I’ll be on instagram and I’ll try to put up short write ups as the spirit leads. 😁

I’ll see you by the grace of God in 2018. I pray that you have a meaningful 2017.

Thanks for reading.

You Are Dead To Me

Like a mirror to a person that cannot see
You are nothing to me
Your face
Your smile
The memories of happy moments we had
i’ll delete, discard and I’ll discipline my mind to shut thoughts of you out.

I thought loving someone means you will always be there for them
You are never here when I need you and when you come around your mind is somewhere else.

The only way I can get you to talk is to start a fight.

I only feel your presence when we argue and hurl insults back and forth.

The only time you touch me is when you kick, slap or punch me.

You are dead to me
I will no longer acknowledge your existence
This way I’m immune to anything you do
And unmoved by those things you don’t do.

You are dead to me
I am finally free
And this is the last time you will hear from me.

Gravity

IMG_20160406_063351

Someone was at my door and won’t stop knocking.
The knock, gentle but with a sense of urgency.
So I, wanting to put an end to the disturbance opened the door and let the person in….

I like what I see. He talks, I listen, I laugh, I let the emotions linger and carry me, till I am floating.
And before I know it I am already in cloud nine.
The rush, the thrill, the curiosity to know if there is more
keeps me afloat, but falling becomes attractive
I am falling and I am not thinking.
I am feeling and happy, in falling.

Suddenly with the force of gravity,
I feel myself crashing
Not knowing if I’ll be caught, or what I’ll land on.

I land in a beautiful but unfamiliar place with bruises all over.
I turn and see him beside me with injuries like mine and I just know I’ll be fine.

I feel inadequate

I feel like an underachiever
I don’t have much to my name
Everybody else got grind and game
All I have is regret and shame

I feel like I have no dream
Life and living is so hard they die or dim
When you are constantly wearied by adversity
You will do anything to escape reality

I feel like the weight of the world is on me
I pray but God seems busy with his own plans
The things I really want, I never get
Can’t celebrate the little success because it’s always short-lived.

I feel like a loser
Always the girl by the side and not by his side
Friend, side chick, secret lover are the locations I have been
And they always end up choosing another over me

I feel like I’m constantly on the ground
Swept to the side and I always ‘carry last’
To succeed at something I have to do it more than once
The things others get freely I have to fight for

It would feel really good to have something work for me
To have no worries, to thrive and flourish
To hope, to dream, to be complete, and to be fulfilled……

Believe me, I wrote this on a certain day this year. The feeling was so heavy in my heart I couldn’t shake it off. It took all the energy in me to talk to a friend and thank God I did.

One of the things he did was to pump words into me. Not flattery, or ‘whining’ but the true state of things. He brought to light the things I had working for me, even something as ludicrous as my Edo name lol. He told me to ‘count my blessings’ instead of crying over the things I don’t have.

After a long conversation, I felt better and I was able to pray.

I learnt a few things from this experience.

Life isn’t rosy for anyone, even the people we look at to measure ourselves have their own share of misfortunes. It’s not consolation its a fact. We all have struggles, and life is full of challenges.

Everyone has at least one good thing working for them, you just have to LEARN to FOCUS on that.

If you are a christian, you know that God is never not interested in us, or too busy for us. He loves us so much, any contrary feeling/thinking is a lie from the adversary.

We need like a truck load of faith, God kind of faith everyday, to receive and activate all what God has written concerning us. As Christians, we believe and confess even without seeing.

If someone tells you they are feeling a certain way, don’t start by just quoting scriptures and throwing it at them or telling them to ‘get over it’. Listen first, be positive and try to reassure them. When you notice a change in attitude, pray with them and subsequently give them the scriptures. Understand that while some people are ‘deep and spiritually up there’ some of us still struggle with some ‘basics’… This is a someone’s sub. Lol

If you don’t like a situation, do something positive about it if you can, if you can’t, trust God and let him help you deal with it, His own way and at His own time.

What else do you think can help anyone feeling this way? Please share your experience if you have ever been in this ‘phase’ and how you came out of it…

Do it Now

Have you ever had an inspiration to do something, or had a great idea and then you tell yourself “I’ll do it later” and then ‘later’ comes and you shove it aside again and again?.

It’s the major reason I haven’t posted anything in a while. I’ll be inspired to write something, I’ll give it a title, then I’ll tell myself that I will continue later, without even penning the idea down, I will tell myself it’s in my head, that I have made a mental note of it. By the time I am now ‘ready’ to continue, the original idea or inspiration I had would have disappeared, and I wouldn’t be able to produce it as I originally imagined before.

Often times too, we push issues aside instead of dealing with them when they occur, we feel it’s a small thing, we can handle it. Sometimes we indulge in frivolous things , we do things a little too much and tell ourselves “it’s okay”, “you are still in control”, “you can stop when you want to”. The truth is we may still be in control, but the more we do them, the more the thing or activity gains control over us.

In conclusion I am saying, DON’T PROCRASTINATE . Do whatever productive thing you need to do NOW, not later but NOW. If you are busy and you can’t do it , don’t just make a mental note, write everything down, tell a friend that will hold you accountable, set a reminder on your phone, and as soon as you are reminded, don’t reschedule it, do everything within your power to do it promptly.

For this week, I will be sharing some of my personal ‘battles’ that I’m currently dealing with by the conviction of the Holy Spirit as a result of prayers and diverse trials and temptations.

I do not write as one who has gained mastery of them, or who has superior knowledge. I hope that by sharing, I will get even more help from everyone that reads, and I may also help another person reading. So see you tomorrow.

OneWord

Happy new year people. And I’m sure its back to work/school for most of us. (Some of us are back to doing nothing. Sigh). Anyways, I was browsing through bible plans on my You version bible application and i stumbled on this devotional plan – one word.

  The idea of one word is focusing on one word, to guide us all through the year. Instead of resolutions, or a long list of things to do or not to do, its teaches about sticking to one word, not a sentence just a word. Of course you would have to prayerfully seek for the word.

To learn more please visit http://www.getoneword.com

Stay Blessed.

Its A Wrap

Wooow its the last day in the year 2015!!!! Adonbilivit….. I had a song in my head that flew out just as I started typing. It’s a nice song sha. So imagine yourself singing a nice song as you read this line.

A lot happened this year, I finished from the faculty of law, University of Lagos. My greatest testimony was my project, it wasn’t funny at all, from changing topics to missing deadlines, somehow I scaled through.

By Him I walk through a troop, by my God I leap over a wall.

P.S If Dr Akaayar is by any chance reading this, God bless you sir.

In 2015, i made new friends, and sustained old ones.  I lost some too. Losing some hurt, some I was glad they went. It can be sad seeing pictures of someone you used to be close to, and you wonder where it all went wrong or try to figure out at what point you were a bad friend. But life keeps moving, so you have to move too, I learnt that it is important to let go and forgive, even when its the last thing you want to do.

Ever feel like every wrong thing always happens to you? Sometimes I wish things were different, I mean is it a crime to be born and live without hassles? Sigh. I learnt, I am learning (I think this is a life time lesson), life is full of challenges, at some point in life everyone must confront an uncomfortable situation.

I thought I’d be in Nigerian Law School Abuja at the latter part of the year, with my buddy Dolapo, we will be seat partners, I’ll taste frozen yoghurt that Tolu keeps talking about, I’ll watch football in Lovitoz, i’ll whine Gamaliel to buy me dinner every night. Lol ( this girl can dream) but it didn’t happen and it was sad and painful.

I learnt however that these things happen, and more than ever i know in whom my confidence lies, and He will always be there, nothing moves Him. Uncle Kenny Kore captures everything in these words:
“I’ve learnt to abound and abase, happiness keeps me sweet, trials make me strong, sorrows keeps me human, failure makes me humble, success keeps me glowing, and GOD keeps me going.

It can be really hard, accepting some things. I however came to a conclusion that I strongly believe, it’s officially my new motto:  ‘God’s got me yesterday, today and forever’ no matter what may come my way.

In 2015 I learnt that even in the midst of so many things happening around me, peace is the sign, peace is my strength, peace is my answer. If my heart is in turmoil, if I am not settled about anything,  I have learnt to let it go quick!! If I delay I just cause myself unnecessary hurt and head ache.

I learnt to accept myself for who I am, my personality, my sensitive, sort of reserved, sometimes self-absorbed, over-thinking self. I invested in myself, spoilt myself, did the things I enjoyed generally.

This year I started reading books by Nigerian authors and I have been addicted till date. There is something familiar and homely about reading a Nigerian fiction, the names, the Nigerian setting, and the infusion of our local dialect, Nigeria is truly blessed .

In 2016 I pray for the wisdom of God to make quality decisions, to know which way to go but most importantly, to let Him lead and direct me. I also have plans to develop and add value to myself and to impact others positively.

Cheers to a wonderful 2016. I hope and pray all your dreams come through, I pray that you will experience joy like never before. I pray that God will do great and mighty things in your life that you will testify about.

Happy new year.

Recreation

This is the concluding part of Àlòkù. You can read Àlòkù here

recreation

ˌriːkrɪˈeɪʃ(ə)n/

noun: re-creation

the action or process of creating something again.

noun: re-creation

I don’t know why I am here. I just know this is the happiest I have been in years.

Was it my strong desire to be here that drew Him all the way in search of me? Or did someone tell Him about me? Whatever the case may be, I am grateful..

I thought it was over. I had given up on myself. Constantly haunted by fear; fear of what I felt about myself, fear of who I was, fear of what I represented. I mean why would anyone  see a used car and buy it when the person can get a brand new one for almost the same price?

Oh Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. What manner of love is this, that chooses that whom men have rejected?.

I remember being lifted. By a powerful force I can’t explain. Out of the dump, out of despair, out of the dark, out of the mess I got myself in.

I am now in the SHOW ROOM. With the Maker.

My transformation wasn’t a day’s job.
There were nights I wished I wasn’t here
I struggled with adjusting, I didn’t feel good enough
I wanted to do something to prove myself;
To show I was worthy, and grateful. But He wouldn’t let me, He said it would only be an act in futility.

Saved by Grace, not by power, not by might, who I was or what I knew.

One of the things I had to accept was that no one will drive me.
I was simply there for His glory, His pleasure.

For thou have created all things for Your Pleasure…..Called to show the praises of Him who pulled me out of darkness into His marvelous light…

He showed me who I am
Valuable, Priceless, my worth incomparable to diamond or pearls. He cleaned me up, He brought out ‘my manual’ and read my specifications to me.

What defined me as contained in that manual. Not what people did, or said. For I am complete, in Him.

I was ‘Remodeled’
Renamed
Upgraded
Improved
Forgiven, I became His Beloved, the apple of His eyes.

Now I stand unashamed in the show room. No longer who I used to be inside and out, glowing, and radiant. I may not be brand new, but I am being renewed daily. Imagine having a device, that gets a new feature everyday.

Àlòkù doesn’t exist anymore
Something new has happened to me, I am in a new place, things can’t be the same again, some things have to give way.

You can’t test drive, this car is exclusive to the one who owns it, If you are not buying you simply can’t drive me.

I have the stamp and final approval of my Maker.
All that I need is in me, nothing missing, nothing lost, nothing broken. So I come with no warranty.
No insurance needed, we are secure in Him.

You can’t own me and decide you don’t want again, I am not the kind of car you drive and return, use and dump, use and abandon.

I belong to you, you belong to me, we belong to Him till He calls us home.

There will be bumps along the road, ups and downs that may shake us, we are however not afraid, because He has equipped us to conquer , we have the Manual and He is always there all through the way.

He saved me, He fixed me, He raised me and placed me high.
I am valuable, precious, beautiful and strong. I am all that He says I am.

The End.

Much has been said about forgetting the past these days I may sound like a broken record restating this. However, even after hearing the message of grace some of us are still tied to our past, we carry it around like a hand bag or purse.

I don’t have all the answers, but one thing I do know, the One who matters the most said He doesn’t remember who we used to be once we come to Him, He deals with the NOW. The choice is ours to believe Him and begin to be all that He wants us to be. Remember one of the greatest apostles in the bible, had a terrible past, see how he turned out.
Let us remind ourselves daily who we are, believe it in our heart and act like it. Very soon, the consciousness of who we are will be so strong that nothing will be able to shake it out of us.

My ‘roles models’/ look-alike/ ‘friend ‘and ‘sister’ posted something about this on IG.

jhp